The past few months have been a challenge. In particular the last month and a half, and it’s the reason why I went from being more active on the blog to what appeared to be a permanent hiatus. I was too tired, stressed and busy to write a blog post let alone three in a week.
I’ve been dealing with the someone else’s sickliness. For starters let me say I took this on and I didn’t have to, but it was the right thing to do and I feel right doing it. If you are generally a healthy person I want you to thank the ground beneath your feet, the sky above you and whatever else you believe in. I want you to say to yourself f*** all the bullshit I think is an important problem because it isn’t. He’s sick, chronically ill, deteriorating before your eyes, on a bad day when he’s home can barely make it to the bathroom and needs to sit down sick. He’s spent the majority of the past two months in the hospital. I’ll add that he’s young and in his thirties.
It’s crazy to watch someone who’s so much fun go from life of the party to barely eating. Day by day. It can be sad, slow and for a while he was in denial of how sick he truly was. Him and I have talked at length about this. His health, what we’re going to do when he has a transplant and is better. How amazing life will be.
One night I told him, “I’m tired. Not just physically, but mentally, emotionally, all of it.” It’s truly draining sometimes. But like the bull I am I shut off the emotional part of it when we’re in the thick of a crisis. Hard, wise, intelligent and the right decisions need to be made fast, under a lot of pressure with little guidance because there’s no time for that. Just intuition and a prayer that I’m not an idiot. Doctors need a lot of answers to a lot of questions that unless you’ve been there all along you wouldn’t know the answer to or at the very least where to find them. A medication list a mile long that constantly changes for starters. There’s no place for emotion in that moment.
Then the dust settles. The wall I put up runs right over me and I process what happened. You get tons of questions about the person who’s sick, about you. People genuinely care and I’m more than grateful. People awkwardly say if there is anything they can do please let them know and I’m grateful for that as well. But when you’re in the moment and life and death hangs in the balance a lot of things people say don’t always seep in until later on. You have selective memory. My memory only makes room for facts, figures, timelines and processes when I’m in a fire drill. Everything else is white noise.
Feelings personified as moments. Right as everything started to really get better I was cooking us dinner and burnt the hell out of both my hands. I was tired, had been cleaning and doing other things around the house. I wasn’t paying attention and BAM burned both my hands and took my own trip to the ER. Then the next day I put a run in my favorite pair of tights after work. Halfheartedly I threw them away.
And I laughed.
See him and I have been very positive given his circumstance. Things get crazy – real crazy. We realized we loved each other. Somehow even though shit keeps hitting the fan we make it through. We’ve been together a little under 6 months and some would argue we’ve been through more than those who’ve been married for a lifetime. We’ve learned quite a bit about each other and ourselves during this journey.
He’s ok now. Back in the hospital, but at least it’s not like the last trip. We’re trucking on through. We’ve learned how wonderful our friends and families are. Years from now even if him and I don’t stay together forever I’m sure we’ll laugh about it together. In the grand scheme of things all this mayhem will be a blip in our lives.
Sometimes the best thing to hold onto in life is each other.
Cover: Frances Gunn